The plan seems so unclear

12/20/13 When I started this blog I was so sure about "the plan" for our lives. It all seemed clear, easy, just follow and you'll make it. But now it's not so clear. It's His plan and I am just trying to find my way. The last few weeks I have followed through with part of my original plan. Taking care of me. I finally made the doctor appointments, did the tests, took the chance. Now I wait. The girlie parts that at one time in my life gave me "power" now scare the crap out of me. I have a 32% chance of developing breast cancer before the test comes back. Starting at age 35 it's suggested I am imaged by Mammogram then MRI alternating every 6 months to screen for BRCA. My genetic results are due back 12/24 which I highly doubt I'll get them even before the end of the year. Unless they're bad. The counselor seemed to think they'd be negative since my sister's were but I am a worrier. I've had more "medical issues" with my girl parts than she has. I got the autoimmune disorder. I got the breast cyst drained at age 16, I had the ovarian cyst that required removal by surgery. Almost exactly 19 years ago my Mom was healing from surgery. I'll never forget it, the last day of school before Christmas break and I was 15. I went to school because they told me to. I sat there numb, scared, helpless. My fear at that time was losing my mom. I am almost glad I didn't know then what I know now. My Mom was one of the lucky ones. Found it, dealt with it, done. It has not come back. But man do I see a lot of it come back these days. Young women, with young kids being pulled from their lives. It haunts me for days. I saw one this week. I cried the whole way home and now just can't shake it. So I blog. To clear my head, to leave something behind just in case. Just in case... dang WHY do we have to live our lives just in case! Just in case something happens to me tell them how much I loved them. With my whole freaking heart! With every breath, thought, smile, tear, hug even growl. I worry about that. That I will be taken too soon and they won't know how much I loved them. So I tell them. Whispers in their little ears as they fall asleep. That extra hug before we depart. It's not how I want to live. I want to live thinking how they will tower over me when they're older. How I will hold their babies and tell their wives funny stories about them growing up on The O'Neal Family Farm. How they will never have to worry about me or my health or see me go through the unthinkable. I worry about Keith and his little heart. He's my heart. I feel him from across the room when he worries. Ethan will be our tough guy, solid, strong. ...Two weeks later.. 1/3/14 So A couple weeks ago when I started this post I was awaiting 2 test results. The BRCA test came back negative. That's good news, I guess. I can't help but feel like a bit of a sitting duck waiting to be plucked off by the hunter. I will still follow the above recommendation and hope that if it's there they will find it. Test #2 didn't come back as good. My results lead me to more tests. Luckily I am done with those parts, no need to have another child. While I should be more a peace with that knowledge I am not. I am more scared than ever. Uterine and ovarian issues are know as silent killers. So I search for peace and solitude in knowing God has a plan for me. I pray it's to be here with my boys for a long time. To show them how much I love them, how to be great, how to love and be loved. And we wait...

8 months.. FEAR! (I wrote this a year ago and never posted it)

32 weeks pregnant with baby #2. There was a time I didn't think I'd get here. Now I wonder how long till he comes out. You would think baby #2 no big thing right? WRONG!! I am bigger, maybe a little more anxious this time about delivery than last time.. ignorance was bliss right?
I have tried not to be the miserable pregnant girl but let's face the fact.. I am. I see babies in bellies all day long 5 days a week and well it sort of takes the "magic" and throws it to the curb. Am I saying I don't like what I do? Absolutely not! Am I saying I don't value the little life growing inside of me, rearranging my organs and sucking the life out of me? (even when I say it that way..) No. It just is what it is.
This pregnancy has been more of a "dance" in life than I ever expected. My body has made it clear to me we are not doing it again that's for sure.. I am not made to do this again, ever. I should be the poster child for the teenager who thinks pregnancy will solve anything at this point. Put me in that classroom... oh boy they may never have kids. Let's not even mention the part where I could scare them just by stating I have not been able to see "down there" in weeks and didn't even realize it until this weekend. I may not wear a pair of tennis shoes without the help of my husband to tie them until this is over (didn't have that problem first time!) and that well sucks!
Flipping the coin I totally feel bad for even thinking or saying any of the above. I think I am fear driven right now. Fear of not being able to juggle it all, of never putting my body back where I want it, of being a bad mom to these boys. For about 30 seconds a day I forget I am pregnant. More on the days I work because I can be me, just me there. Minus the coworker comments about my quickly swelling belly that dances all day long and the fact that I am trying to tie up loose ends before I go out on maternity leave. Leaving my 2 jobs in more than capable hands of my coworkers and the people selected to cover me in my absence. An absence I will take less time off than I did with Keith because my working situation is different this time and we just bought a house, and because I feel if I took the actual 3 months I may have one less position to come back to. The reality of an impending absence allows others to see what you're worth but it also brews scary feelings of hoping someone does not come in and do it better while you're gone. More fear!
Let's just say "my plan" is not all that well planned this time. I have just a little over a month and a half before I stop working which I finally gave a date to last week only because I have been asked numerous times when "my last day is". I get it for scheduling purposes but for me personally I want to work till my water breaks. It will allow me to continue to get my 4 year old to Preschool since I still have not "planned" that situation out very well at all (loser mom alert). And let's not even go there with the "where's the baby going to go when you go back to work?" question. I have NO idea! This poor child, I hope I can pull this off and he never feels the effects of my poor planning in this beginning part of his life.  Fear, fear, fear!! No wonder I can't sleep at night between my body no longer agreeing with this situation, the kid raving mad in there and fear of all the crap I have yet to take care of in a small amount of time. Good lord what was I thinking??!!?? (insert loser mom guilt here!)

9 crazy, tough, wonderful years. Happy Anniversary!

By the time I post this it will be our 9th wedding anniversary. 12 years together last month. Unbelievable. For the two of us to make it this long when neither one of us thought we'd date for more than a week.
We've been though a lot. We have survived each other's career training, living paycheck to paycheck, buying homes, multiple vehicles, learning how to be "adults", and of course becoming parents. All the while doing our best to support one another along the way. An outsider might think we were made for one another and while 9 years later I can say yes we were, there were plenty of times our means of communication involved screaming into a cell phone and hanging up. But hey we were still communicating right?
I don't know where I would be today had I not married my husband. I know one thing is for sure he loves me. The kind of love that a lot of people don't know how to give. The kind of love you don't let go of no matter how frustrated you get. The kind of love that you do your best to return because he deserves it. There is more every day, month, year we are together. Instead of time fading the excitement of our marriage it brings new light. Challenges teach us how committed to one another we really are and how much we have learned to work together to achieve our happiness.
 OUR HAPPINESS... what a concept, marriage becomes being about what makes US happy. We have learned to be selfish with our time together. We talk to one another. The sit up late at night (even when you have a long day ahead tomorrow), "hey I have something on my brain," talks. We do it a lot. I think the more we talk the less we argue about stupid stuff. He is my #1 best guy best friend. He knows more about me than I probably know about myself. He knows my past because I have told it to him without judgement and knowing he will never use it against me in haste. In 9 years he has already had to fulfill the 'in sickness and in health' vow more times than we ever expected and I apologize to him every time and every time he says "don't worry about it" in a way that makes me feel better. 
When I married Chuck I never thought we would be this happy. That seems weird to say, type, read but it's true. I did not know what my "happy ever after" would be. I was 24! When I married Chuck I knew he loved me and I loved him and I would not find another guy out there with the patience to put up with my crap (I was wild). 9 years later.. let's just say I have a filter. I can't wait to get home at night and be US with our little boy and the wild child on the way. I can say we are country people at heart, pool people, snuggle as much as we can people and chillin' on the porch people without even having to double check. 

I love what we have together and what we've become. Every moment is a blessing and I can't wait to look back in 25, 30, 40+++ years and say I love you even more!

Doing what's best.. surrendering control

****Warning Medical TMI in this post and it's long.. sorry I like to write***
What a week it's been.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this little guy is going to be my wild one.
Keith is active in everyday life. He likes to constantly be doing something. Part I believe is since he was born we have had plans. From the time we wake to the time we go to sleep there's a schedule or routine we generally follow. It keeps me sane and Keith knowing what's next whether he wants to do it or not. On the weekends there's some sort of plan for the day.. get up, eat breakfast, dress and do something. No sitting around watching TV all day it's not productive and makes for a cranky crazy boy and mommy. With that said Keith is a sweet, loving, funny, future Type A like me and 90% of the time well behaved kid. He's 4, he's not going to listen all the time. Every so often I pick up a parenting book and try a new trick to keep him in check but overall I would not change him for the world. 
For the next week and 2 days or more I will be breaking my own rule because otherwise I risk losing the little guy inside me or worse being admitted to the hospital and sitting there. (Home is MUCH better, not that I don't love my hospital family)
It started a week ago with a little bit of spotting and contractions when I walked. I was checked and told to go home and rest for the weekend. Scratch that.. I was told I should take a week off then but "we just bought a house," so I negotiated for resting the weekend and going back to work Monday.
Monday I felt good, went back to work, checked on the baby (sonographer perk) and told myself I was not going to stress about it anymore.. one time deal right? WRONG! 
Tuesday I felt normal, better than ever. Worked all day went home, emptied the dishwasher, did more dishes, laundry, dinner etc... that night slept crummy.. belly didn't feel right but chalked it up to eating too much. (always some reason right?) Next morning heading to the kitchen to make Fourth of July french toast for my boys I started bleeding.. do not pass go.. get your buns to the hospital. Texted my OB on the way there (doctors sonographer perk) and kept in touch with her while one of the group partners checked me over.
Spent most of the day hooked to a monitor at the hospital. Let me tell you it's one thing to be there to deliver your kid but much different when you show up with issues. Being an employee at that same hospital where you work along side Labor and Delivery with high risk AND work for the group of doctors who deliver there even more (yes I have 2 jobs). Normally my department gets the call when someone like me shows up. Boy was I embarrassed to show up in my t-shirt and velor pants with no shower it was a wash you face brush your teeth and GO. So once again per routine an ultrasound and checking of the cervix is ordered.
All the while I am doing my best to stay calm, don't want to be the employee who shows up and loses it. Besides my husband (who is just as scared as I am with less background knowledge), kid and mom are with me. The nurse, doctor and I speak our own language.. watch the monitor and wait. No contractions.. good.
This time the OB doctor calls one of my high risk doctors a down at UCSD just for a second opinion. He thinks a small separation of the placenta (as I too suspected). They all agree that I should be on rest for a week or two! Once again I split the difference with going back to work on the 12th day. If all goes well.. no more bleeding and no more contractions that land me back at the hospital. Mind you I was scared but I also likely would have tried to negotiate a week until the Perinatologist said to rest.(yes I am that stubborn/ think I am wonder woman).
So they send me home. At first I am OK.. scared but ok. I dread every trip to the bathroom, cherish every movement of the baby who by the way is gonna be a rock star, mosh pit style. And wait.. then my ever controlling freaky mind takes over. I finally give up thinking I can wait until the Perinatologist is scheduled to be in our office again to ask him a few questions and email him. Honestly I partially did not expect him to respond but was so thankful when he did. He soothed my anxiety and assured me we're doing the right thing. I was also contacted by one of his partners to check on me too. Feeling the love is an understatement. These people are busy and I know that.
So that's the plan for me and baby.. as my dear young wise friend reminded me today my lesson is to surrender control. I have not been super religious in the past and I don't go to church but I do believe in God. There was a long time I didn't and I was ashamed of that. I am still working on that relationship. But he is there. I get little signs like when I was checking into the hospital Wednesday there were two women nearby. One heard my reason for being there and gave me her rosary, said there were many prayers on it. I held it the whole time I was being checked over. I don't ask for help. I don't like to it makes me feel weak even when people offer it. But this time it's not for me it's for my little guy and my two big guys. It's for my family. That will bring me to my knees and have me surrender control.

As we close up June..

On to happy news... we were such good tenants our landlord at the previous house is giving us the full deposit back!!
After fighting with Jeromes to get our long overdue dining room table and telling them to deliver it or refund it's coming tomorrow!! YAY


Best part of the day... wild man baby boy #2 posed for some good pics today..  22 weeks 5 days (5.5 months) and 1lb 5 ounces..

Little face

Toes!! My favorite pic to get and take for me and my patients.

Profile with his knee tucked to his nose.

Another face shot.

I was excited to snap these pictures today and share them with Keith. He still claims to Loooovvveee his baby brother and for him to be able to see these is pretty cool for me. I see babies all the time, ALL the time but when I show my kid a picture of the one growing in my belly I see a bond forming. Insert mushy kissy noises here lol.

The plan means so much more today

So much has happened in the last week. Chuck and I reflect on working hard the last 12 years to get where we are, what we wanted all along we are happy, proud even. The last 12 years have been hard. We struggled without letting a lot of people see. We put each other through school, got married, bought a house, had a kid, short sold a house, rented a few along the way while we tried to figure out where we wanted to be and in this economy.... well rough. Man I can't wait until that statement is gone "in this economy"!
The plan for me before Chuck was:
1. I was in no hurry to get married.. maybe age 30 (married him at 24).
2. I didn't know what I wanted to be but MOM was not really high on the priority list, scared to death is an understatement. It just was not on my radar.
3. Before I ever was married I would own my own home, dependent on no one but me.. yes that was me.

Then I met Chuck. I take that back I knew him from high school Ag. he was a skinny scrawny guy that one of my friends was in love with. He went to a different high school than I did and he was wayyyy more into Ag than I was. I was in it for the raising of the animal, the "pet" value. He was more of the competitive showman, likely why he did much better in the ring than I did.
Anyway so fast forward to 21, we started dating.. polar opposites for sure. We both thought it would last a week or two max. But the interesting thing is deep down we really liked the same things. Rocking chairs on the front porch. The best way I can describe us our connection and where we see ourselves for the next 50+ years. At least that is the plan.
Somedays you never know what will throw a wrench in the plan. Job loss, accidents, illness, cancer. Yes that ugly word cancer. So much of it in our lives lately you feel like it's knocking at your back door. I can easily name 4 women in my immediate circle or there abouts that have been dealing with cancer this year or more. Young vibrant women. Cancer when we were kids was something old people would get. Does this mean I am old now? I was thinking OLD like 70/80 years you know retired, grandma or great grandma who had lived a full life already. But this is not the case. These women have young kids that need their mom. It's not fair. I know I watched my mom go through breast cancer, I was a sophmore in high school. Or maybe a junior.. I was 15 I know because I had my learners driving permit. Too young to think you are going to lose your mom. And my mom dealt with it quietly. There was not a lot of discussion about it, it was there, she was dealing with it, there was surgery, recovery and then it was gone, over.
Now I work in the medical field and sometimes I wish I could go back to knowing nothing about how the body works, how cancer spreads and what it means when it is in certain areas. I do know and that makes it 100 times scarier and frustrating. I worry about my plan, our plan. Will I be here to hold his had and sit in the rocking chairs on the front porch? I have a family history and yes there are a lot of diagnostic and screening tools out there to tell me my risk and damn me for not using them yet. But I am scared. What if's turn into I don't want to know's, not yet, not today... maybe when this baby is out it will be time to make sure...

The plan moves fast. We're settling in!

A little over week ago our personal belongings began their final trip home (well home for a very long time!). I will admit  I had been worried about how big the house is, the property, the upkeep and oh yeah raising 2 kids along with it all.. but after almost a week in our home it will be fine.
The house is 2600 square feet on a property size of 1.19 acres.The original plan was a 1700 ish sq ft home with an acre, but when it feels right you go for it.. at least that's what I hope is still true in a year or two from now. There is a pool, front and back lawn, garden area, two sheds, a long driveway and a field for us to do with as we want. We have talked goats, livestock, a motorcycle track (maybe start as a bike track) all sorts of options. The bottom line is when I arrive home from work nightly I am happy and comfortable to be there. I didn't realize how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in our last rental until this week. I did not feel safe in the last place and it began to wear on me.
The best part is we are all happy. Keith loves the pool and room he has to play in the back yard, Chuck and I love the peace and quiet (even among us still unpacking) and the dogs (the ultimate babies) are happier than I have ever seen them. Hunter thanks us every evening with lots of tail wags and joining us on the patio for dinner. He no longer has the "I'm abused" labrador look.
I can only hope the next little boy will enjoy this place as much as we do... he really has no choice.. I am not moving again for a very long time!

Now for pictures... they are the outside as the inside is still littered with boxes.. so maybe another week or so for those. Sorry.. working, pregnant mom trying to plan a birthday party and keep up with everything else is FAR from perfect these days... you will get over it, I have :).

Fun in the yard

The yard angle 1

The yard angle 2

Pool

Play area behind pool shrubs

Future garden

Back patio

Field for livestock etc.. all the tall grass is ours.. yep goats soon!

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