The plan seems so unclear

12/20/13 When I started this blog I was so sure about "the plan" for our lives. It all seemed clear, easy, just follow and you'll make it. But now it's not so clear. It's His plan and I am just trying to find my way. The last few weeks I have followed through with part of my original plan. Taking care of me. I finally made the doctor appointments, did the tests, took the chance. Now I wait. The girlie parts that at one time in my life gave me "power" now scare the crap out of me. I have a 32% chance of developing breast cancer before the test comes back. Starting at age 35 it's suggested I am imaged by Mammogram then MRI alternating every 6 months to screen for BRCA. My genetic results are due back 12/24 which I highly doubt I'll get them even before the end of the year. Unless they're bad. The counselor seemed to think they'd be negative since my sister's were but I am a worrier. I've had more "medical issues" with my girl parts than she has. I got the autoimmune disorder. I got the breast cyst drained at age 16, I had the ovarian cyst that required removal by surgery. Almost exactly 19 years ago my Mom was healing from surgery. I'll never forget it, the last day of school before Christmas break and I was 15. I went to school because they told me to. I sat there numb, scared, helpless. My fear at that time was losing my mom. I am almost glad I didn't know then what I know now. My Mom was one of the lucky ones. Found it, dealt with it, done. It has not come back. But man do I see a lot of it come back these days. Young women, with young kids being pulled from their lives. It haunts me for days. I saw one this week. I cried the whole way home and now just can't shake it. So I blog. To clear my head, to leave something behind just in case. Just in case... dang WHY do we have to live our lives just in case! Just in case something happens to me tell them how much I loved them. With my whole freaking heart! With every breath, thought, smile, tear, hug even growl. I worry about that. That I will be taken too soon and they won't know how much I loved them. So I tell them. Whispers in their little ears as they fall asleep. That extra hug before we depart. It's not how I want to live. I want to live thinking how they will tower over me when they're older. How I will hold their babies and tell their wives funny stories about them growing up on The O'Neal Family Farm. How they will never have to worry about me or my health or see me go through the unthinkable. I worry about Keith and his little heart. He's my heart. I feel him from across the room when he worries. Ethan will be our tough guy, solid, strong. ...Two weeks later.. 1/3/14 So A couple weeks ago when I started this post I was awaiting 2 test results. The BRCA test came back negative. That's good news, I guess. I can't help but feel like a bit of a sitting duck waiting to be plucked off by the hunter. I will still follow the above recommendation and hope that if it's there they will find it. Test #2 didn't come back as good. My results lead me to more tests. Luckily I am done with those parts, no need to have another child. While I should be more a peace with that knowledge I am not. I am more scared than ever. Uterine and ovarian issues are know as silent killers. So I search for peace and solitude in knowing God has a plan for me. I pray it's to be here with my boys for a long time. To show them how much I love them, how to be great, how to love and be loved. And we wait...