Doing what's best.. surrendering control

****Warning Medical TMI in this post and it's long.. sorry I like to write***
What a week it's been.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this little guy is going to be my wild one.
Keith is active in everyday life. He likes to constantly be doing something. Part I believe is since he was born we have had plans. From the time we wake to the time we go to sleep there's a schedule or routine we generally follow. It keeps me sane and Keith knowing what's next whether he wants to do it or not. On the weekends there's some sort of plan for the day.. get up, eat breakfast, dress and do something. No sitting around watching TV all day it's not productive and makes for a cranky crazy boy and mommy. With that said Keith is a sweet, loving, funny, future Type A like me and 90% of the time well behaved kid. He's 4, he's not going to listen all the time. Every so often I pick up a parenting book and try a new trick to keep him in check but overall I would not change him for the world. 
For the next week and 2 days or more I will be breaking my own rule because otherwise I risk losing the little guy inside me or worse being admitted to the hospital and sitting there. (Home is MUCH better, not that I don't love my hospital family)
It started a week ago with a little bit of spotting and contractions when I walked. I was checked and told to go home and rest for the weekend. Scratch that.. I was told I should take a week off then but "we just bought a house," so I negotiated for resting the weekend and going back to work Monday.
Monday I felt good, went back to work, checked on the baby (sonographer perk) and told myself I was not going to stress about it anymore.. one time deal right? WRONG! 
Tuesday I felt normal, better than ever. Worked all day went home, emptied the dishwasher, did more dishes, laundry, dinner etc... that night slept crummy.. belly didn't feel right but chalked it up to eating too much. (always some reason right?) Next morning heading to the kitchen to make Fourth of July french toast for my boys I started bleeding.. do not pass go.. get your buns to the hospital. Texted my OB on the way there (doctors sonographer perk) and kept in touch with her while one of the group partners checked me over.
Spent most of the day hooked to a monitor at the hospital. Let me tell you it's one thing to be there to deliver your kid but much different when you show up with issues. Being an employee at that same hospital where you work along side Labor and Delivery with high risk AND work for the group of doctors who deliver there even more (yes I have 2 jobs). Normally my department gets the call when someone like me shows up. Boy was I embarrassed to show up in my t-shirt and velor pants with no shower it was a wash you face brush your teeth and GO. So once again per routine an ultrasound and checking of the cervix is ordered.
All the while I am doing my best to stay calm, don't want to be the employee who shows up and loses it. Besides my husband (who is just as scared as I am with less background knowledge), kid and mom are with me. The nurse, doctor and I speak our own language.. watch the monitor and wait. No contractions.. good.
This time the OB doctor calls one of my high risk doctors a down at UCSD just for a second opinion. He thinks a small separation of the placenta (as I too suspected). They all agree that I should be on rest for a week or two! Once again I split the difference with going back to work on the 12th day. If all goes well.. no more bleeding and no more contractions that land me back at the hospital. Mind you I was scared but I also likely would have tried to negotiate a week until the Perinatologist said to rest.(yes I am that stubborn/ think I am wonder woman).
So they send me home. At first I am OK.. scared but ok. I dread every trip to the bathroom, cherish every movement of the baby who by the way is gonna be a rock star, mosh pit style. And wait.. then my ever controlling freaky mind takes over. I finally give up thinking I can wait until the Perinatologist is scheduled to be in our office again to ask him a few questions and email him. Honestly I partially did not expect him to respond but was so thankful when he did. He soothed my anxiety and assured me we're doing the right thing. I was also contacted by one of his partners to check on me too. Feeling the love is an understatement. These people are busy and I know that.
So that's the plan for me and baby.. as my dear young wise friend reminded me today my lesson is to surrender control. I have not been super religious in the past and I don't go to church but I do believe in God. There was a long time I didn't and I was ashamed of that. I am still working on that relationship. But he is there. I get little signs like when I was checking into the hospital Wednesday there were two women nearby. One heard my reason for being there and gave me her rosary, said there were many prayers on it. I held it the whole time I was being checked over. I don't ask for help. I don't like to it makes me feel weak even when people offer it. But this time it's not for me it's for my little guy and my two big guys. It's for my family. That will bring me to my knees and have me surrender control.