32 weeks pregnant with baby #2. There was a time I didn't think I'd get here. Now I wonder how long till he comes out. You would think baby #2 no big thing right? WRONG!! I am bigger, maybe a little more anxious this time about delivery than last time.. ignorance was bliss right?
I have tried not to be the miserable pregnant girl but let's face the fact.. I am. I see babies in bellies all day long 5 days a week and well it sort of takes the "magic" and throws it to the curb. Am I saying I don't like what I do? Absolutely not! Am I saying I don't value the little life growing inside of me, rearranging my organs and sucking the life out of me? (even when I say it that way..) No. It just is what it is.
This pregnancy has been more of a "dance" in life than I ever expected. My body has made it clear to me we are not doing it again that's for sure.. I am not made to do this again, ever. I should be the poster child for the teenager who thinks pregnancy will solve anything at this point. Put me in that classroom... oh boy they may never have kids. Let's not even mention the part where I could scare them just by stating I have not been able to see "down there" in weeks and didn't even realize it until this weekend. I may not wear a pair of tennis shoes without the help of my husband to tie them until this is over (didn't have that problem first time!) and that well sucks!
Flipping the coin I totally feel bad for even thinking or saying any of the above. I think I am fear driven right now. Fear of not being able to juggle it all, of never putting my body back where I want it, of being a bad mom to these boys. For about 30 seconds a day I forget I am pregnant. More on the days I work because I can be me, just me there. Minus the coworker comments about my quickly swelling belly that dances all day long and the fact that I am trying to tie up loose ends before I go out on maternity leave. Leaving my 2 jobs in more than capable hands of my coworkers and the people selected to cover me in my absence. An absence I will take less time off than I did with Keith because my working situation is different this time and we just bought a house, and because I feel if I took the actual 3 months I may have one less position to come back to. The reality of an impending absence allows others to see what you're worth but it also brews scary feelings of hoping someone does not come in and do it better while you're gone. More fear!
Let's just say "my plan" is not all that well planned this time. I have just a little over a month and a half before I stop working which I finally gave a date to last week only because I have been asked numerous times when "my last day is". I get it for scheduling purposes but for me personally I want to work till my water breaks. It will allow me to continue to get my 4 year old to Preschool since I still have not "planned" that situation out very well at all (loser mom alert). And let's not even go there with the "where's the baby going to go when you go back to work?" question. I have NO idea! This poor child, I hope I can pull this off and he never feels the effects of my poor planning in this beginning part of his life. Fear, fear, fear!! No wonder I can't sleep at night between my body no longer agreeing with this situation, the kid raving mad in there and fear of all the crap I have yet to take care of in a small amount of time. Good lord what was I thinking??!!?? (insert loser mom guilt here!)
